Bullying

Tough Talks · about 6 minutes to read or listen · Ages 10–12, 13–15

When you think your child is being bullied

It's awful to think someone is picking on your child, and worse when they won't tell you about it. You can end up feeling shut out and helpless.

Many youths keep bullying to themselves. They feel embarrassed. They worry you will make it worse by calling the school. Or they fear losing their phone if the bullying is online. Staying quiet is often their way of trying to handle it.

Bullying tends to get worse when nobody talks about it. If your child knows you'll listen first and decide next steps with them, they're much more likely to tell you what's going on.

What you might notice

• Not wanting to go to school, or asking to stay home a lot
• Seeming upset or jumpy after being online or on their phone
• Lost or broken belongings, or unexplained marks
• Changes in eating or sleeping
• Dropping friends or avoiding certain places or activities
• Sudden drop in grades or interest in school
• Hiding their screen quickly when you walk by

One sign on its own is often just normal teen life. Look for patterns and changes that last.

Before you talk

• Get calm first. Your child will watch how you react.
• Choose a quiet, private moment, like a drive or a late-night snack.
• Decide ahead that you will listen before you make any calls.
• Know that taking away their phone can feel like a punishment for being hurt.

Things you can say

• You seem down after school lately. I'm here if something is going on.
• Nobody deserves to be treated badly. This is not your fault.
• I won't do anything behind your back. We'll decide next steps together.
• If it's happening online, you won't lose your phone for telling me.
• Can you show me what they've been sending or saying?
• Who at school do you feel safe with?

What to avoid

• Telling them to just ignore it
• Storming into the school without telling them first
• Confronting the other child or their parents yourself. It usually makes things worse.
• Asking what they did to cause it
• Promising to keep it secret. You may need to act, so be honest about that.

If they open up, or shut down

If they open up, thank them and stay calm. Write down what happened, when, and who was involved. Save screenshots of online messages. Then work with your child to contact the school counselor or principal, and ask what the school will do and when you will hear back. Keep checking in over the next few weeks, because bullying often doesn't stop after one report. If your child seems very sad, hopeless, or scared, talk to their doctor.

And if you learn your child is the one doing the bullying, take a breath. Stay calm, be clear that it has to stop, and get curious about why. Sometimes it comes from their own hurt or wanting to fit in. Set fair consequences, help them repair the harm, and work with the school too.

By age

• Ages 10–12: Ask simple questions about recess, lunch, and the bus, and watch for stomachaches or not wanting to go to school. At this age, it is fine to work closely with the teacher.
• Ages 13–15: Bullying often moves online and into group chats now. Promise they won't lose their phone for telling you, and decide next steps together.
• Ages 16–18: Older youths may call it drama and want to handle it alone. Respect that, but step in if it involves threats, sharing private images, or their safety.

Where to get more help

• Your child's doctor or school counselor. A good first call. They know your child, can check for health or learning issues, and can point you to local help.
• StopBullying.gov. The federal government's site on bullying and cyberbullying, with warning signs and steps for parents.
• PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center. Free guides for parents on helping your child, working with the school, and online safety.

How this guide was made: Bold180 prepared it with help from AI tools and checked it against the trusted sources listed above. Read and approved by Marilyn Feh, PhD, Bold180 founding partner. This is general information for parents, not medical, legal, or mental health advice. How we use AI

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